


Two Pilots and a Crappy-Ass Taxi

by lisakodysam



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Action, Adventure, Banter, Bickering, C-Sec, Citadel, Gen, High-speed chase, Humour, Major spoilers for Mass Effect: Citadel DLC, Rescue, Team Spirit, practical joke, ribaldry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 17:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1991310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lisakodysam/pseuds/lisakodysam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>... Are the Normandy's only hope when it's stolen by Shepard's clone.  Joker and Cortez are on the case--if they can stop bickering long enough--but just how will the <em>real</em> Shepard prove his identity once the pilots pull off their daring rescue?</p><p>Slightly off-canon with some strong language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Pilots and a Crappy-Ass Taxi

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old story which I forgot to publish and was languishing in my hard drive. Thanks as always to CCBug for adding her usual lustre to my ramblings!

** Citadel Archives **

"Here he comes!" Liara said breathlessly, spotting the small skycar piloted by Joker, which was approaching them from a distance. She was immediately flanked by several of the Normandy crew, all straightening up in anticipation of the pilot's arrival.

"Comin' through!" called James, pushing in line and readying his firearm. "Gotta be ready. Joker won't wanna hang around."

"Aren't you being a little presumptuous?" asked Liara. "We don't yet know who Shepard has requested to join him."

"The commander does not make requests," Javik sneered. "He _commands._ He will need the best at his side, those who are accustomed to the hardship of battle, _not_ information gatherers who sit in comfortable chairs and sip herbal tea."

"If you must know, I am quite capable of holding my own on the battlefield!" argued the affronted asari.

"Which battles have you fought in, then?" demanded the prothean. "Can you name them? Did _you_ fight the Reapers fifty-thousand years ago?"

"I'm fighting them now!"

Javik threw his head back and laughed. "With what? Your deadly doe-eyed stare?"

"Hate to disappoint the bug-eyed guy," said Wrex, appearing at Javik's side, "but the Normandy wasn't stolen by Reapers. It was stolen by _humans_. There's none better at killing humans than the krogan," he declared, flexing his biceps and giving a sly smile to his human squad mates.

"You can add the turians to that," Garrus said, pushing past Javik and James to get to the head of the line. "Remember the First Contact War?"

"Yeah, I remember it," answered the krogan, folding his arms, "and I don't remember seeing _you_ there."

"My dad was there. So was Primarch Victus. He's turian. Well, they both are. Obviously. Probably notched up quite a high human body count between them."

"And how does that make _you_ skilled at killing humans?" Wrex demanded as Joker's craft drew near and turned to land.

"Because… because… screw you, that's how."

"Bwahahaha!" roared Wrex, almost sending Garrus toppling over with the force of his back-slap. "Good answer, Bird-Brain. All right, you can tag along, but I'm riding shotgun."

"Wait, who decided that?" Tali called from the rear of the group. "For all you know, Shepard might need someone skilled in electronics or hacking!"

"He's already got EDI with him, Sparks, remember?" James reminded her.

"He will need a biotic," said Liara, sounding smug.

"Kaidan went along, too," Garrus supplied. "Kaidan's a biotic. What they _don't_ have is a sniper who's tech-savvy."

"Wait, what?" James spluttered. "What the hell is Shepard, then?"

"Missing the point, Vega."

"Damn right I am!"

"Uh, excuse me? Has anyone even noticed that I've landed?" Joker squawked as the hatch of the taxi opened. "I got room for three! Now step on it! That's my ship they're stealing!"

Before anyone could speak, Cortez stepped forward and started striding towards the craft. "I'm going. That's my man out there. The rest of you wanna debate it, you can do it here. Now get a move on."

Taken aback by his steely tone of voice, the rest of the crew paused for a few seconds before a huge row broke out.

"We need to know who Shepard wants!" Tali bleated over the racket.

"James, Garrus, get in!" Joker shouted, and the soldier and turian scrambled for the shuttle, taking their seats in the back while the rest of the crew grumbled to themselves.

"Ha! So Shepard wanted us two after all!" James said in triumph, making sure his friends could hear before the shuttle door came down.

Joker quickly operated the controls, and the craft rose into the air. "Nope, you and Garrus were the closest ones to the shuttle."

"Way to take the wind out of the kid's sails," said Garrus.

"I couldn't give a crap, man," replied James. "I'm here and ready to kick clone ass!"

"And so am I," Cortez said from the front, where he was seated next to Joker. "Nobody clones Shepard. Nobody."

James and Garrus exchanged a quick glance. "Uh, no offence, Cortez, but you're wearing Alliance uniform," Garrus pointed out. "You know, made of cloth and leather? That guy's got mechs and heavily-armored mercs with _big guns."_

"Yeah, leave the fighting to the grown-ups," James teased.

"I'm serious," Steve said, turning back to the marine. "Give me your side arm, James."

"Hell no! You want us to go get Shepard and then tell him, 'Sorry, but Esteban's a shit smear across the docking bay'?"

"I can't just do nothing! Could you?" the shuttle pilot demanded of his friend before turning back to Joker. "How much farther is it?"

"'Bout ten minutes from here to the docking bay," Joker informed him.

"Ten _minutes_? Are you kidding me?"

"Look, blame the Reapers! They're the ones who built the freaking Citadel, not me! It's a big place! And you think you're the only one who wants to get there in a hurry? That asshole's making off with my ship!"

"Yeah, well a ship's hardly the same as a person," Cortez mumbled, hearing a sharp sucking-in of breath from behind him, its source undetermined.

Joker's head slowly turned towards Cortez. "Have you forgotten that EDI's out there with Shepard?" he asked, his voice a frigid blast of ice.

Cortez sighed and slumped back in his chair. "Sorry, Joker. I forgot about EDI."

"Yeah, so quit harping on about how long it'll take to get there, okay?"

"Okay."

Joker sniffed. "Okay."

"Hey, we'll get them back," James said with determination, giving both pilots a pat on the shoulder. "The Normandy, too."

"I know, but… it sucks just sitting around while you two take care of business," Joker said miserably.

"Sure does," Cortez agreed.

"Doesn't matter who takes care of business," said Garrus. "We're all in this together. We're a team. You guys fly us there, James and I shoot a bunch of mercs, job done. Team work."

"Yeah, I'll bet that clone ain't all that, anyway," James replied. "It was only used to grow replacement body parts for Shepard. Probably got an eyeball growing on the end of his dick or something."

"Nice. Real nice," Steve commented.

"You mean you humans _don't_ have eyeballs growing out of the end of your dicks?" Garrus joined in, guessing James was trying to cheer up the pilots.

"Well, mine's got an eye on it, but it don't blink," revealed James. "Cries sometimes, but that's about it."

"Please, spare us the mental picture," Joker grumbled.

"Guy's probably got two dicks," Garrus went on. "One in reserve. Imagine him first thing in the morning? You humans, uh, 'stand to attention' when you wake up, right? So I hear, anyway."

"Two dicks?" James asked, a wistful note to his voice. "Man, I coulda had those asari twins on Ilium after all!"

"Hey, you could take a piss at the same time you're takin' care of yourself, James," Joker pitched in.

"Really? You humans can't do that with one dick?" Garrus teased.

"Yeah, critical design flaw in men," Joker answered. "Seriously, Bastard Shepard Clone aside, I think Cerberus might have been onto something here."

"Who says _Shepard_ doesn't have two dicks?" Steve asked casually.

"Ah, knock that shit off, Esteban!" complained the soldier, clearly accustomed to such ribbing from the pilot. "I don't wanna hear no goddamn hints about what you and Shepard get up to in that cabin."

"No, seriously, how do you know?" Steve asked again, doing his best not to smile at Vega's discomfort. "I mean, Cerberus rebuilt him and added a few… enhancements."

"It'd explain why Cortez always has this huge grin on his face," Garrus observed, but Joker shook his head, wincing.

"Could _you_ walk around grinning after having two of… man, I can't even say it," Joker commented. "Let's just say it brings a whole new meaning to 'butt hurt'."

"More to the point," added Garrus, " _would_ you be able to walk, never mind grin at the same time?"

James groaned. "Can we not do this?"

"You started it!" said Cortez. "You can dish it out but you can't take it!"

"Right, never would have had Vega pegged as a 'receiver'," Joker quipped over his shoulder, quickly turning back to the helm when he caught James's eye.

Steve shrugged. "I dunno… it's always the ones you least expect. And who says I'm the receiver, anyway?" he added, waggling his eyebrows.

"Hm," Garrus mused. "Maybe that'd explain why Shepard walks around wearing a scowl all the time. What was it you said, Joker? Butt hurt?"

"Nah, he's always looked like that, way before he met Cortez."

"Okay, guys? This is your CO you're talking about, here," James pointed out with a huff.

"Not mine," replied Garrus. "Well, not technically."

"No, but you serve on his ship and obey his orders, right? And he's _Joker's_ CO."

"Hey, I handpicked you to be on this shuttle, Vega!" Joker argued.

"Why don't I just shut the hell up, then?"

"And my work here is done," announced Steve, dusting off his hands.

"And why don't _you_ put a sock in it, Esteban?"

"No, how about you do, James?"

Joker sighed. "When you guys are done being six years old, we're about a minute away from the bay? Where my ship is being stolen?"

"How about we agree that the clone has _no_ dick and Shepard has one," Garrus suggested. "Are we all good with that?"

Cortez shrugged his shoulders but James was deep in thought, his brow wrinkled. "How does the clone take a piss, then?"

"Out of his ass," answered the turian impatiently. "Could we maybe start thinking about strategy once we reach the bay—in about _thirty seconds_?"

"Wait," Joker said, a look of concern on his face as he examined his screens. "Shit… she's not there! Those bastards have taken her! They've taken my ship!"

"What, already?" Cortez exclaimed, bringing up another screen as a quiet alarm sounded in the cockpit. "What about Shepard? Is he still here?"

Garrus cued up his omni-tool and took a second to answer. "Shepard's got his set to mute. So's EDI and Alenko. I'm guessing they made it aboard."

"We're being ordered to land," Joker announced. "We don't have clearance to be in this bay. C-Sec'll shoot us down if we… what? They think _we're_ after the Normandy? That son of a bitch! He called C-Sec on _us?"_

"Then land this thing," Garrus ordered. "There still any mercs around?"

"Yeah," answered Joker. "'Bout a dozen. Looks like they've seen us."

"Get us down then get outta here," said James, unnecessarily re-loading his shotgun.

"James," Steve said seriously, turning around to face the marine, "get them back."

"You got it, man."

"Listen, if you need to identify the real Shepard, he's got this scar…"

James grimaced and held a hand up. "Yeah, yeah, I _know_ about that, thanks."

"It happened during his N7 training. He—"

"I _know,_ you told me about a dozen times! It looks like a cat, I got it!" James sighed. "Doesn't he have any distinctive scars anywhere else on his body?"

"I've seen that scar and it does look like a cat," Garrus said. "You know when a cat's pissed and it stands on its tiptoes and hisses? Kinda like that, like an arch with a cat's head on it, only with one ear sticking up. Wait, no. _Claws,_ not tiptoes. Or is it paws? I'm not that familiar with cats on the whole."

James gave Garrus a dirty look before turning to Cortez. "Like I said before, what about the rest of his body?"

"He's got tons of scars, but I'm guessing the clone does, too. I'd know the difference, but I won't be there, will I? It needs to be the cat one to be sure."

"So I gotta tell my CO—Commander _Shepard—_ to drop his pants? Are you for real?"

Steve shrugged. "He does for me."

Garrus chuckled. "At least the dick question will be settled, then we'll all be able to sleep better at night."

"I'm landing, if anyone's interested?" Joker started the landing sequence and the two men in the back prepared to disembark.

"Turn the engine off and C-Sec won't be able to detect you," Garrus advised as the door opened. "Just stay put and we'll keep them off you."

"Be careful!" Cortez shouted as Garrus and James leapt out, the taxi door closing again as the sound of weapons fire was heard close by.

"Engines off," Joker announced, sitting back with a sigh. "Okay. What now?"

"Is C-Sec still after us?"

"No, they cancelled their warning. Guess they didn't think a taxi with no guns was too big of a threat. Damn, I wish we could do something!"

"We can. Move over," Cortez said, unbuckling himself and assisting Joker to do the same.

"Move _over?_ What? You want me to get out of this thing with those mercs out there?"

"No! We'll have to improvise. Just… wait. I'll crawl over you, you crawl under me."

Cortez began to climb over Joker, who squirmed and issued several expletives as Steve's elbows and knees dug into him. After a minute, Cortez was almost upside-down, his feet planted against the ceiling of the craft, his butt against its screen. "You're gonna need to move, Joker, if you want me to pilot this thing."

"Pilot? Are you nuts? You did hear that C-Sec wanted to shoot us down?"

"Do you want to do something to help or not? Get moving!"

"Ah, damn it," Joker moaned, clumsily clambering over the control panel until he finally reached the opposite seat.

A couple of minutes later, the pilots were once again strapped in.

"You know, I could have just transferred helm control to your side," Joker pointed out.

Steve shook his head. "I need to fly on this side. It's how I roll."

"So what now, smart ass?" Joker demanded as Cortez turned on the craft's monitors, but not the engines.

"I'm guessing if the clone has any brains at all, he won't draw attention to himself until he's out of Widow."

"So?"

"So, he'll be complying with all speed and traffic restrictions, and won't jump to FTL until he's clear of the Citadel, which'd get all of C-Sec on him, Shepard or not. Meaning, we might be able to catch him _before_ he's off the station. He won't be able to go too fast with all the shuttles taxiing in and out, anyway."

Joker folded his arms. "Let me get this straight. Assuming C-Sec _doesn't_ shoot us down when you gun the engines, and assuming we _do_ catch the Normandy—"

"We will catch it. We're more manoeuvrable. The Normandy can't squeeze around all the skycars. We can."

"Okay, so we catch it. What then? We just go, 'Excuse me, Mister Clone, would you mind terribly not stealing my fucking ship oh, and while you're at it, go shoot yourself in the face? If it's not too much trouble? Not like _we_ can do anything to stop you, seeing as we're in a goddamn _taxi_ with no guns.'"

"No. We get out in front of the Normandy, stop it from jumping to FTL. Buy Shepard and EDI more time."

Joker fell quiet, mulling over Cortez's proposal for a few seconds. "That _could_ work, if whatever asshole's piloting the Normandy doesn't shoot us out of the sky, but how do we get out of here without C-Sec shooting us down?"

"We'll get a few seconds' grace if we do a cold start of the engines. C-Sec won't try anything once we hit the traffic. They won't risk civilian casualties."

Joker laughed nervously. "All right, you had me up to getting in front of the Normandy, but a cold start in this thing? Well, at least we'll be able to wave at the taxi and wish it luck as it shoots off into a bulkhead while we're a splat on the ground." He folded his arms tighter, looking annoyed.

"I did a cold start in the Kodiak once. I'm still here."

"This isn't the Kodiak! What—what are you doing?"

"Unless you want to sit here and argue all day, I plan on stopping the Normandy from leaving this system," Steve said as he worked the controls. "You'd better hold on tight."

"Damn it, Cortez! Okay, I'm seriously gonna haunt you! You'd better expect a floating, see-through splat to come visit you tonight! Oh, wait, you won't be able to see it, because _you'll_ be a splat, too!"

"Engaging thrusters."

"Cortez, this is insane!"

"I can do this! Now quit whining and brace yourself!"

"Okay, okay! I'm bracing!" Joker tightly gripped the arms of his seat, his stomach dropping as the shuttle rapidly rose, veering to the right as its back end kicked out, while Cortez furiously jabbed at the unresponsive controls. "Look out! We're gonna—!"

The craft was rocked as it clipped the hull of a small fighter which was docked in the bay, setting off several alarms and sending a piece of the taxi's fuselage clattering to the ground.

"What was that?" Joker shrieked, examining the controls as Steve fought to gain control of the craft. "Oh, great job, Cortez! Now we've got no inertial dampeners!"

"I got it! Engines coming online! Approaching external barrier!"

"Wow! Garrus just shot that guy right between the eyes!" Joker exclaimed as he looked out of the side window.

"Can I get a little help here? I need you to monitor C-Sec channels! Our engines just came on?"

"Fine!" Joker snapped before muttering under his breath. "Can't even tell the guy his _friends_ aren't getting killed out there because he's on some kind of power trip 'cause he got to pilot a crappy-ass taxi… whoa, wait," he added, his face dropping as he examined his screen.

"What?"

"C-Sec just issued an Apprehend and Detain order… _'I want them for questioning but take them down if necessary. Shepard's on a crucial mission and these bastards are trying to hold him up. Don't let them hit the traffic_ '. Commander Bailey? Yeah, the only crucial mission Shepard's on is trying to stop his clone from stealing my ship!" Joker exclaimed, cupping his hand to his mouth and yelling over his shoulder. " _His_ ship. Whatever."

"Bailey doesn't know about all this," Cortez explained, his eyes on his screen as the small craft penetrated the bay's barrier. "Brooks saw to that. She advised Shepard to keep his comm. closed for his own safety. Guess she fooled all of us."

Joker huffed and once again started muttering to himself. "I'll do more than fool that gangly, duck-lipped bitch when we catch her."

"We're approaching the traffic, hold on!" Cortez warned. "We've got no inertial dampeners so this is gonna be a wild ride!"

"Yeah, I noticed that, when you crashed into that fighter in the bay because you decided to do a cold start!" Joker retorted before clutching his roiling stomach, the sudden G-forces making him feel nauseous.

"Man, I've missed this!" Cortez whooped as he skilfully weaved through the oncoming traffic. "Whoo! Yeah! Just like being in my old Trident! This takes me back!"

"You're enjoying this?" Joker rasped in disbelief as he tinkered with his omni-tool. "Hey, I got the C-Sec channel here. Might be kinda illegal to listen in, though…"

"Our CO's a Spectre. He'll fix it. Let's hear it."

"Right, assuming the clone doesn't get away with the Normandy, 'cause guess who'll be the Spectre then?"

"He won't! Let's hear it!"

With a groan, Joker activated the device, Commander Bailey's irate voice loud and clear over the comm:

"You had one job, damn it! What'd I tell ya? What part of 'don't let 'em hit the traffic' didn't you understand? How's about I bring Shepard down here after his mission and leave 'im in a locked room with your sorry ass for five minutes? Make it ten if he fails his mission because o' you! Get outta my sight!"

Joker looked at Cortez, who was smiling. "Told you I'd get us clear," bragged the shuttle pilot.

Joker deactivated his omni-tool. "All right, nice going. Now where exactly _are_ we going? We don't even know where the Normandy is."

"He's gotta be headed for the relay, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"So that's where _we're_ headed. I know a few short cuts we can take which the Normandy wouldn't manage. Hold on tight!"

"Damn it, I wish you'd give me more warning!" complained Joker, clutching his chest when the taxi lurched to the left, taking them out of the stream of traffic and down a narrow access corridor.

"You getting motion sickness?" Cortez laughed. "How long's it been since the Academy? Didn't you go through all this in the sims?"

"Let's get something clear, Cortez. I don't get motion sickness."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Best pilot in the universe. Riiiight. So long as he's got inertial dampeners," he muttered.

"Okay, first? I pilot a warship, not a transport vehicle, _and_ I single-handedly saved the Normandy from a Collector attack. I don't have time to worry about things like inertial dampeners. I leave that crap to the grunts who fix the ships up." Joker sniffed.

"How about I introduce you to some of those 'grunts' once we get back to the Citadel, let them know exactly how much you respect them?"

"Please don't do that," Joker said in a small voice, and Cortez laughed.

"Well, Mister Hero Warship Pilot, this _transport_ pilot has just found the Normandy."

Joker lurched forward, gawking at the monitor as Cortez punched up the thermal image of an Alliance frigate. "Shit, that's her… how far?"

"About four klicks. He got a head start on us, but we're catching up quick. Just so you know, I'm about to turn to… port!" Cortez pulled a sharp turn in the taxi, Joker's knuckles turning white as he clung onto his chair. "You okay?" Cortez teased.

"Fine," a grimly-focused Joker replied. "Just get my ship back."

"And then will you acknowledge that _I_ saved the Normandy?"

"I'll acknowledge that you _caught_ her. Don't push your luck."

Cortez didn't answer for a few seconds, and Joker noticed he appeared preoccupied. "What is it?"

"I just had a thought… I need you to get the C-Sec channel again."

"What are you up to?" Joker asked, cueing up his omni tool and entering a few commands.

"I need to speak with Bailey."

"What the hell for?"

"Joker, just raise him," Cortez ordered, and Joker shook his head but complied.

"Yeah? Who's this?" asked Bailey over the comm.

"Commander, this is Flight Lieutenant Steve Cortez of the Alliance. I'm currently piloting the skycar which is pursuing the SSV Normandy."

"What the—? What in God's name d'you think you're doing? Do you have any idea how much damage you've caused? How many calls I've had from traumatised taxi pilots who narrowly avoided colliding with you? And you say you're Alliance? No Alliance officer I know would risk people's lives like this! Who the hell are you? And how did you get on this channel?"

"First off," Joker interrupted, "those taxi guys are _not_ pilots. Let's get that straight from the start."

"Who's that?" Bailey demanded. "There are two o' ya?"

"Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau. I _pilot_ the Normandy? I was the guy who brought my Mobility Assistance Mech aboard the Citadel? You were the one who cleared us! Listen to my voice!"

Bailey grunted. "All right, you sound a little like that guy, but you two've done nothin' to convince me you're Alliance, let alone Normandy crew. You need to give yourselves up before you get in more trouble, or someone gets killed. I can't help you if that happens."

"Sir," Cortez began, "I need you to listen. The person who called you is not Commander Shepard."

"He sure as shit sounded like Shepard to me."

"The Normandy was taken by a hostile who's trying to steal Shepard's identity. The _real_ Shepard is also aboard the Normandy with two of his crew, probably fighting his way through a ship full of mercs. If you don't help us, there's a good chance the imposter will succeed."

"That's quite the imagination you've got there, son, but Shepard transmitted his Spectre code along with the message. You can't fake that. You've got no idea how many failsafes—"

"What did Cortez just say?" Joker angrily interrupted. "That asshole's stolen the Normandy and he's stolen Shepard's identity! Who do you think broke into the Citadel Archives?"

"Commander Shepard—a Council Spectre, I'll remind you—is on a critical mission and you two are doing your best to screw it up!" Bailey replied. "You need to stand down _now_. Soon as you come out of those access corridors, my people have orders to shoot you down. Do the smart thing, kids. This ain't worth losin' your lives over."

"Oh yeah?" Joker retorted. "Speaking of smart, wasn't the Normandy in _dry dock?_ Do your people have records of that or are they as incompetent as you?"

"Joker," Cortez said, holding a hand up and shaking his head before drawing a deep breath. "Commander, I hate to make threats, but I don't need to tell you the consequences if Shepard's identity is compromised. If C-Sec refuses to help us there _will_ be fallout from the Alliance. That'll be nothing, though, compared with the Reaper threat. Shepard's the only chance we've got against them, you know that. We need your help," he appealed, his heart hammering as he imagined Shepard in a fight for his life. " _Please_ check your records and verify who we are. It'll take a few seconds. What have you got to lose?"

Bailey's face appeared on a small screen above Joker's omni-tool. He studied both men for a second before turning to his left. "Is that right?" he mumbled to someone out of sight. "Is the Normandy supposed to be in dry dock? No, I don't know, either! That's why I'm askin', damn it! Find out!"

A heavy silence ensued, and Joker began to squirm in his seat.

"Commander!" he blurted, "even Shepard wouldn't be allowed to take the Normandy in the middle of a refit! Now do your job! That's my ship out there!"

"Hell!" Bailey cursed as a datapad was thrust in front of him. "All right, fellas, I just confirmed your IDs and that the Normandy was in dry dock before it was taken. What do you need?"

Joker and Cortez both breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm closing in on the Normandy," Steve said. "Hold on!" he exclaimed, pulling a sudden barrel roll. "That was close, man!"

"When we're done, Commander," Joker began, his face white as the taxi was righted by Cortez, "you might wanna check if any of these assclowns driving— _not_ piloting—these taxis actually know left from right!"

Bailey nodded. "I'll see what I can do. All right, I got you on sensors. You're about half a klick away from the Normandy."

"That's what my instruments say, too," replied Cortez. "Soon as I'm front of her I'll exit the access corridors. I'll position us at a 30 degree angle to the Normandy's nose so they can't jump to FTL. I'll be very surprised if they don't open fire on us. There are hundreds of skycars out there."

"Get that traffic outta the sky!" Bailey yelled at his staff, and a commotion was heard over the comm. while Bailey frantically entered instructions into his terminal. "All right, Lieutenant, I'm locking down bays one through thirteen, but I need a couple minutes to get the skyway cleared. I'll need you to position yourselves ahead of the Normandy but keep outta sight 'til you hear from me. Can you do that?"

"I can do that, sir, but we're running out of time."

"I hear ya, but we've still got eleven minutes before he's off the Citadel. I'm deploying every C-Sec shuttle I've got in the area to tail the Normandy and disable it while you do your thing."

"Just make sure they only disable it!" Joker cried. "They need to take out the antiproton thrusters but tell them not to get too close or they'll get vaporised! And don't let 'em hit the heat sinks! They do that and they'll cook everyone inside!"

"We've got the Normandy specs right here. My men know what they're doing, Lieutenant, don't worry."

"Yeah, sure, we all know that 'cause they totally stopped my ship from being stolen, didn't they? _Don't_ _worry._ Really?"

"Commander," Steve said, "I'm sure you can appreciate that our people are on the Normandy, and they're in danger. We're very anxious to get them back safe."

"Understood. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry I doubted ya. Standby."

"Standing by," Cortez replied, his concentration firmly on his monitors as he continued to dodge the traffic through the tight space of the access corridors.

" _Emergency lockdown, bays one through thirteen, Kithoi Ward through Shalta Ward,"_ the station VI announced. _"All occupants of airborne craft are required to land immediately and remain in your vehicles. This is for your own safety. Repeat: land immediately and remain in your vehicles. Do not take off again until instructed by Citadel Security. This is not a request. Emergency lockdown, bays one through thirteen…"_

"We saw to it that the Normandy didn't get the message," Bailey informed the two pilots. "I see you're about neck and neck with the Normandy. The skycars are starting to break off. Should be clear for you in about a minute. You oughta be detecting about a dozen shuttles coming up behind you on the main skyway."

"Yes sir, I see them," Cortez responded.

"I got 'em in a scattered formation so as to appear random, and their transponders have been altered. Don't want the Normandy pilot suspecting anything."

"The Normandy pilot is right here!" Joker argued.

"Uh… the _fake_ pilot, then," Bailey amended. "Cortez, might wanna think about getting in front of the Normandy now, 'cause as soon as that traffic disappears, they'll know something's up and might attempt an FTL jump, so you need to be in position before that happens. I also want you to know that we've informed Alliance Command of the situation—looks like you've got some crewmates still at the Archives who've done the same. They're sending support, but I dunno how long it'll take 'em."

"Appreciate it, Commander," replied Cortez. "Preparing to re-join main skyway. Hold on tight, Joker, we're gonna make a fast turn."

"And be careful," said Bailey. "If the Alliance is gonna kick my keister over this, it'd be good to see you two in one piece when I get my ass handed to me. Stay safe, fellas."

Joker snorted. "Yeah, if there's a reason to keep ourselves alive, saving your ass is it."

"My ass won't mean a damned thing if we don't get Shepard back. Watch yourselves out there. I'll be with you every step."

"Right."

"Thanks for the help, Commander," Cortez said before turning to Joker. "You ready?"

"Let's do this," the Normandy helmsman replied. "Hey, Cortez, that was some nice flying. If we get everyone back safe, I'll tell them it was all you. I don't even care. My ego can take it."

"Well, it _was_ all me, but I appreciate the sentiment," Steve joked, his stomach turning over as he remembered Shepard. "God, I hope they're okay. Here we go!"

Steve pulled the craft hard to starboard, and the hazy blue-white of the Citadel's empty skies rushed towards them.

"Where is she?" Joker exclaimed.

"We're beneath her. Establishing a fix. Hell, I wish these taxis had better course-plotting! Gonna have to do this manually."

"I'll add it to Bailey's to-do list," Joker began before his neck snapped around. "Hey, I see her! You'd better not have damaged my chair, you bastards!" he shouted at the window. "And EDI and Shepard," he added quietly.

"Yeah," Cortez agreed solemnly. "Okay. Bringing us under her nose. They've gotta know we're up to something by now."

"Lemme know when you're in position and I'll send the shuttles in," Bailey instructed.

"Send them in now, Commander," said Cortez. "Coming out in three, two… one."

"Get in there!" Bailey commanded his officers.

"They've seen us," said Joker. "They're trying to accelerate."

"You can tell that from here?" asked Steve, taking care to match the Normandy's velocity and trajectory.

"No, I know the sound of the engines, they're dipping and rising. Can't you hear it?"

Cortez shook his head and smiled. "I can't, but I'm glad you can. Keep listening."

"I'm trying if you'll just shut up for a minute!"

The two pilots sat in silence for a short while, Steve continuing to match the Normandy's every manoeuvre and successfully preventing it from accelerating.

"Wait," Joker said after a minute, listening intently as the harmonics of the Normandy's engines changed. "Okay, the Thanix cannon's coming online, be ready!"

"He's gonna use that on us? Wouldn't the torpedoes be more effective?"

"Asshole wants to play with his new toy!" Joker raged. "He probably flies pieces of shit like this thing in his day job! Man, Garrus will be _pissed_ if they messed with his calibrations!"

"Taking evasive manoeuvres!" Cortez exclaimed, the taxi doing a loop-the-loop and sharply dropping back as the cannon fired, affording the pilots a glimpse of the rear of the ship. "Wait, why's the hangar bay hatch open?"

"I don't know, I didn't see!" Joker replied as Cortez moved the taxi back in front of the Normandy.

"Idiot," Cortez said, referring to the person piloting the ship. "It'll take eleven seconds before that cannon cools down."

"10.7."

"Gotcha."

"Guys," Bailey broke in, "my men just disabled one of the Normandy's thrusters."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Okay, get back to us when they're disabled _four_ of them?"

"Another thing—I got reports that _two_ Commander Shepards are fighting in the rear hangar bay. I thought one o' my officers had gone crazy, but half a dozen of 'em saw the same thing."

"He's alive," Steve breathed.

"Looks like your mobility mech's there, too, and a biotic wearing Alliance armour," Bailey added. "Didn't know those mechs received advanced combat training," he said with a note of scepticism.

Joker nodded, his lips pressed tightly together.

"Thank you, Commander," Steve replied. "You've got no idea how much that means to us… hold on! He's preparing to fire again!"

Cortez slammed on the brakes again, this time banking to the left, his eyes almost popping out of his head as the Kodiak rushed past him. "No! Goddamit, I only just tuned it up yesterday! It took me five hours!"

"Get back out in front of it!" Joker urged. "Wait, where's it gone?"

"Behind us! Shit, it's firing! Hold on tight!"

"At least he won't risk the Thanix again with one of his own guys in front of him?" Joker speculated.

"Wrong. You didn't see him at the Archives. He's a real piece of shit."

Joker fell quiet, tightly gripping his seat while Cortez took the taxi through several hair-raising manoeuvres as he evaded the Kodiak's fire.

"The Thanix is powering up again!" he warned Cortez a few seconds later. "I can't believe—!"

"Just took out that Thanix cannon and two more thrusters," Bailey announced as the Normandy suddenly decelerated. "The Kodiak took off somewhere, but two of my guys are after him."

"All right!" Cortez cheered, exchanging a high-five with Joker.

"You got an Alliance cruiser, the SSV Cairo, just entering Widow," Bailey went on. "ETA sixteen minutes."

"What about Shepard and EDI?" Joker asked.

"EDI?"

"The mech! Are they okay?"

There was a pause, and the pilots exchanged an anxious glance, their hearts sinking.

"Commander?"

"Guys," Bailey said heavily, "one of the Shepards…" He sighed. "He was just pitched over the side. I don't know which one it was. I'm sorry."

"Was he wearing N7 armour?" Cortez asked fearfully, his breath rushing out of his lungs.

"Hold on, I'll check."

"It can't be Shepard, I mean _our_ Shepard," Joker said. "He… not after all this. It just can't be."

"Bailey here. They were both wearing N7 armour, son. You'd… better get aboard, find out what's occurin'. If it means anything, there's no further reports of weapons fire. I'm hopin' that's a good sign."

"Yes, sir," Cortez said mechanically.

Joker watched in silence while the Kodiak pilot flew the taxi to the rear of the Normandy, flashing the craft's headlights at the C-Sec shuttles in tribute and thanks. Joker then opened the comm. to answer an incoming hail.

"Lieutenants Cortez and Moreau, this is Officer Atilius of C-Sec. Two of our vehicles will board with you and we will render assistance if necessary. Normally, I'd ask your commanding officer's permission to board, but we've got an unusual situation here."

"Yeah, okay." Joker sighed with a concerned glance at Cortez, who did not answer. "Thanks."

The three shuttles entered the ruined bay and landed just inside the open hatch. They were greeted by EDI, who watched her crewmates and the armed C-Sec officers as they approached.

"The clone has been terminated," she announced, stepping over a dead merc to meet them.

"Are you sure it was the clone?" Joker asked, hobbling to her side.

"I am quite certain, Jeff. I have kept Shepard within visual range at all times. Furthermore, I am familiar with his biometrics. His heart rhythm, pulse, gait and odour all differ from those of the clone. We have the real Shepard."

"Steve? Joker? What are you doing here?" Shepard asked in surprise, emerging from behind a piece of wreckage with Major Alenko at his side. He then glanced at the C-Sec officers. "Looks like we've had some help."

"Yes, Commander," answered one of the turians. "Your pilots prevented the Normandy from entering FTL, and we helped disable it. You've got your two lieutenants to thank for that happening," he looked around the bay, "but it looks like you've already taken care of things. I just need you to verify your Spectre code so we know it's really you."

Shepard sighed. "My Spectre code is no longer valid. My clone changed it. My handprint, too. Long story."

"Your… clone?" The C-Sec officer stared at Shepard for a second before shrugging. "Okay, that explains why he looked like you, I guess. You've got an Alliance cruiser inbound. Have it tow the Normandy back to bay D-24 and we'll sort this all out at C-Sec."

"Thank you, Officer. I appreciate the help."

The turian nodded and gestured to his colleagues, who spread out around the bay, omni-tools working.

"You two okay?" Shepard asked his pilots, who nodded uncertainly, eyes wide.

"Are you?" Steve asked, and Shepard heard the hesitation in his voice. He stepped closer to Cortez, laying his hands on the pilot's arms.

"It's me, Steve. I know I can't prove it to you right now, and I know this must all be a little strange."

"Just wait 'til you've served with him for three years," Kaidan remarked, smiling. "Not much will seem strange then."

"Yeah, this is boring compared with some of the crap we've been through," Joker agreed, "and I _think_ you'll find that's a year-and-a-half in your case, Major."

"Not sure I'd call this boring," Shepard replied, watching Cortez carefully. "Steve, ask me anything. Something the clone wouldn't know about, which is a lot."

Cortez thought for a minute and then beckoned Shepard closer, whispering something in his ear.

"Twice," the commander answered confidently. "Well, two-and-a-half if you count…" He glanced at Joker and Kaidan, clearing his throat.

"Oh, boy." Joker groaned, leading EDI and Alenko away. "Did I tell you about how this rescue was all down to me?" He looked back at Steve, expecting a comeback, but the shuttle pilot was too busy hugging Shepard.

"I'm surprised you didn't ask me to show you the cat scar," Shepard murmured in Steve's ear.

Steve gave a quiet chuckle and released the commander, stepping back slightly. "I don't need to see it. EDI's right. You smell like you."

"Oh? I hope it's a good smell."

"Eh." Steve shrugged before laughing at Shepard's frown.

"Commander," EDI announced over the comm. "I have regained control of the ship."

"Good to have you back, EDI."

"Thank you. We are being hailed by Captain Seager of the Cairo. She is requesting permission to come aboard."

"Permission granted. Have her enter through the airlock, not the hangar bay. It's kind of messy down here. Have her escorted to the Starboard Lounge. I'll be right there."

"At once."

"I'll show her there myself, Commander," Traynor joined in over the comm.

"You okay, Traynor?"

"Fine, Commander. I missed all the excitement as you ordered me to stay put. Welcome back."

"Thanks. And sorry again about your toothbrush."

"It's a small price to pay. I'd better attend to the captain."

"Good work, Traynor. I'll come see you later. Shepard out."

"We'll get this place straightened out," Cortez promised as they walked to the elevator.

"Sounds like I owe you and Joker a beer."

"Throw in dinner and it's a done deal," Cortez teased.

"I think I can manage that. You okay to stay down here with C-Sec while I greet Captain Seager?"

"Of course. Hey, C-Sec was great. Commander Bailey pulled out all the stops for us."

"Okay, _three_ beers. And dinner for you. I'll even cook. How's that?"

Steve arched an eyebrow. "Grilled cheese _again?"_

"Hey, it's my speciality!"

"There's something else you could do," Steve said in a mischievous whisper.

"What's that?"

When Cortez had finished explaining, Shepard shook his head. "Oh, that's cruel, Steve."

"I know. But funny as hell."

Shepard continued to shake his head as he stepped into the elevator. "And the crew calls you 'Mister Nice Guy'. Well, I know the real Steve Cortez."

As the elevator doors closed, Steve suspected he saw the beginnings of a smile on the commander's face.

** Later that day, Shepard's apartment **

"See? I told you he was okay," Garrus said to James as they entered the apartment and moved to the seating area by the fire. Shepard rose from a couch to shake their hands and went to the kitchen, passing James a beer and Garrus a dextro concoction.

"James? Thought you'd be in the shuttle bay with Steve."

"Yeah, I hear they busted it all to hell, and I'll join him in a bit. Just wanted to see you were all right, Loco."

"I appreciate that, James."

"Wanna come back to the Normandy with me?" asked the marine. "The techs won't be kicking us off 'til later."

"Wish I could, but I'm confined to the apartment 'til C-Sec can verify I'm the _real_ Commander Shepard," replied Shepard, shaking his head melodramatically.

"What… what do you mean?"

"His clone changed his Spectre code, remember?" Garrus reminded him. "The Archives are a real mess and the clone covered his tracks pretty well. It could be weeks before they can confirm Shepard's Shepard. And not the clone."

"If they _ever_ manage it," Shepard added mournfully. "Don't know what the hell I'll do if they can't."

"But… didn't you kill the clone?" a stunned James asked.

Shepard shrugged. "Well, I know I did. So does EDI, but they won't accept an AI's testimony."

"Damn bureaucrats," Garrus complained sourly. _"This_ is why I left C-Sec."

"But what about Esteban?"

Shepard shook his head. "C-Sec knows about me and him. Saw us hugging in the bay. He's not an impartial witness."

"There… is one way to know for sure," Garrus said with a sly look at Vega.

"Right! The cat scar!" James exclaimed, snapping his fingers.

"How do you know about that?" Shepard questioned sternly.

"Uh… well, Scars here knows about it, in fact, he's seen it, ain't that right, Scars?"

"Yeah, I saw it in the showers one time but I've only been _told_ it looks like a cat. Didn't know what it looked like at the time. Never seen a real cat in the flesh. Don't have them on Palaven."

"But you described it! You said it had one ear sticking up and everything!"

"Like I said, Vega, all I know is what I've been told. People _say_ it looks like it's got one ear sticking up, but if I've never seen a real cat with one ear sticking up, I'm not a reliable witness. Trust me, I know how C-Sec works."

"Well, who _told_ you it looked like a cat?" James demanded. "Couldn't they verify it?"

"That would be one Ms. Miranda Lawson, the one who rebuilt Shepard. Knows every inch of him."

"So why can't she testify?"

"She's ex-Cerberus," answered Garrus. "No way C-Sec would trust her word."

"James, you gotta help me," Shepard said in desperation, grabbing the marine by the arms. "You've seen a cat before, right?"

"Well, yeah, but…"

"With one ear sticking up?" Garrus asked.

"Hell, I don't know! Look, Commander, I wanna help and all, but I really think you should get someone else to check your, uh… scar," James mumbled, his cheeks flushing as he ventured a hurried glance at Shepard's groin. "I mean, I'm your crew, right? I don't think I'd be an impartial witness, either. Loyalty and all that."

"No, that's not how it works," Garrus said seriously. "According to C-Sec, a crew member is the _best_ witness you can have. Examine that scar now, Vega. You're Shepard's last hope."

"I don't want to order you to do this," added Shepard. "I'm _asking_ you as a friend."

James's eyes narrowed slightly and his gaze shifted between the two old friends. "You two are puttin' me on, aren't ya? Was this Esteban's idea? Hell, yeah, this has got Esteban written all over it!"

"No, James, you're dead wrong!" Shepard cried, making hammy gestures with his hands. "If you don't examine my scar right now, you'll never know for sure that a clone isn't in command of the Normandy! The entire galaxy is counting on you!"

"I'll take my chances," drawled Vega, walking away from the pair. "You can tell Esteban I'm totally getting him back for this."

Shepard and Garrus, who were laughing, watched James move to the door of the apartment, where he turned back and saluted the commander. "Nice try, Loco," he said. "I'll catch you later, when you've been _verified_."

He exited, the doors sliding shut behind him.

"That kid's getting wise to us," Shepard noted, sipping at his beer. "Couple of months ago he'd have fallen for that."

"Think we're losing our touch?" Garrus asked as he and Shepard moved to the couches, where they sat down.

"Maybe. Note to self—don't employ smart-ass crew members."

"Too late," Garrus said, tapping his bottle against Shepard's.


End file.
